Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Not Simply Abandoned (Guest Post)

Note: A Spanish translation of this article has been kindly provided by one of our readers. It follows at the end of the English version.

By Susan Halverson 
(Pseudonym so that we can continue research)
My sixteen-year-old daughter and I traveled to Ningdu, Jiangxi, China in July 2015 and then again in July 2017, with the hope of finding her birth family.

Our public approach to searching has drawn out many birth families. Public searching is the use of social media, flyers and television, in order to bring a lot of attention to an adoptee, so that birth parents may come forward. 

In comparison, some people prefer to search quietly by getting to know foster parents or orphanage officials. In my daughter’s case we had learned from her orphanage analysis, finding ad data, and from other information learned through Research-China.Org, that the finder listed in her adoption paperwork had probably been put by the orphanage in the paperwork. As a result of all this pre-search information, we concluded that the orphanage information was all false (This was shown later to be the case). 

Thus, as a last resort, we decided we wanted to approach her search in a public manner, but in such a way as to locate as many birth families as possible. We believed birth families all deserve to know their children are alive and safe. Together, we have gained many friends and experiences, and a love for the city of Ningdu.

What we learned on our search is that many birth families are desperate for a sign that their children are safe and loved.  They also want their children to know that most were not simply abandoned. Their stories are honest, complex and painful. They don’t expect their children to be returned.  They understand that they were legally adopted overseas. But all have a strong desire to find and connect with their children.

To date, we have not found my daughter’s family. Perhaps they are related to officials, or perhaps they live remotely and we have not reached them, or maybe too much time has passed and they have left Ningdu. We are uncertain where my daughter’s search will take us next, but we feel compelled to share the moving stories told to us. The following are the voices of some of the birth parents we met in Ningdu, and whose DNA has now been submitted for matching.


“We already had your two-year-old sister when we gave birth to twins. We live in a village near Ningdu and we are poor. A woman came and took one of you and a few days returned to take the other. I heard that you were adopted separately. People can see pain in my eyes when they look at me.”

“Your mother and I own a small store in a village near Ningdu. We already had your brother and sister. When you were born, a village neighbor turned us into Family Planning. We later learned that if she didn’t report your birth, she risked having her roof knocked off her house. I keep a journal with all of my children’s births in it, including yours.”

"You came from a very poor family without means to pay a fine for a second child. We met an in-between person who said the orphanage would give us $500 USD for you, and that you would be sent to an American family. The next day we changed our minds. We went to the orphanage to get you back, but we were told that you were already sent to a family in Spain for adoption.”

“A foster mother from the orphanage heard that we had you. She came to our house and said that if we did not give you to her she would take your unregistered brother and sister.” 

“Your mother was very sick and we were poor.  We didn’t have money to pay for the hospital bill and family planning fine.  I took you to the orphanage and left you at the gate.  After I saw someone take you inside, I left.  You have three older sisters.  One we raised publicly, one we hid, and one we sent to live with your aunt. Now we are established in our careers.  We have more time and the luxury to mourn our loss. We miss you. “

“We had your two sisters (ages 2 and 5). We were fortunate enough to pay the fine for your second oldest sister. When you were born we didn’t have the means to pay the family planning fine. We paid an old woman to keep you safe until we could find a way to keep you in our family. The old woman tricked us and sent you to the orphanage. We tried to get you back from the orphanage but they said that you had already been sent overseas for adoption.  We know it wasn’t true because there was no way you were sent away that quickly, but we were powerless.  You now have a younger brother and we all miss you.” 

“Your father and I both have disabilities and we are poor. Someone came and took you to the orphanage because we could not care for you.  Since we lost you, we have lived separately. The pain is too great to know we lost you. You have one older sister who we raised.  She is healthy and received an education. We live in a beautiful village in the countryside.”

“Your aunt worked for the orphanage. She told us that we were not allowed to keep you or we would be fined or worse. We agreed to allow you to be taken to the orphanage, only if you were adopted by a local official. We soon found out that you were sent overseas for adoption. We are devastated that we were deceived and we didn’t get to watch our baby grow up."   

“Your parents had five children. They sent three of sent us to live with our auntie. You have two older sisters and a younger brother living with auntie. Mom and dad are only raising your oldest sister. Auntie is helping us search for you. We know that you were adopted overseas so we post flyers on social media in hopes that you will find us one day”. 

"Mom and dad are well educated but the pressures of having a boy in the old culture was too great. They ended up having six of us before they finally quit having children. Two of us were raised by mom and dad, two of our sisters were raised by local families, and two sisters were sent for overseas adoption. Mom and dad have a lot of guilt. When grandpa saw Americans in town searching for birth families, he told me that I needed to find you.  Mom and dad put their DNA in a local police database as well as sending a sample home with the Americans” (DNAConnect.Org)

"Your dad and I are poor and cannot read or write.  We were told that American’s could offer you a better life and an education.  Like all parents, we wanted what we thought was best for our child at the time.  We were taken advantage of because of our social class.  We miss you and hope you don’t think we abandoned you."

“Your mother and I were twenty-one years old. Our families didn’t approve of our relationship because we had the same surname. During that time in China, having the same surname meant that you are related (even though we know we weren’t). Our forbidden love resulted in your birth. Your mother’s parent said that they were sending you to an auntie’s house to live, but we later learned that you were sent to the orphanage.  My parents and I tried to get you back for a year, before I finally moved on with my life.  I am now married to another woman. You have a half-brother and I have never forgotten you.” 

“Our grandfather took you to the orphanage when mom was recovering from labor. I am pregnant now and shudder as I remember mom’s painful cries when she discovered you missing. American’s told us that they would help us find you. Mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, and myself all went to their hotel to leave a DNA sample.”

“You came back to China and we had a chance to meet you. For some reason after our reunion we lost contact.  Your family paid a baby-broker, that originally sent you to the orphanage to locate us. We have another sister sent overseas for adoption. Someday, I hope all of us siblings can be reunited and not pay for our parent’s mistakes.”

“We live in a very remote village. The officials took you because we didn’t register to have another baby. We don’t have a telephone. We keep to ourselves. We don’t know who turned us in. We only know that you were adopted overseas because of village talk. I am your elder sister. When you were born, our uncle took you to the Nanchang orphanage, where he had connections. Mom and dad agreed to let him take you because he said that they had better conditions and that you would be adopted sooner. Now mom and dad asked me to help them find you. I attend school for accounting in Nanchang and often think of you. I am sorry that our family sent you away.  I miss you little sister.”

“Your mother gave birth to you in the Ganzhou Hospital which is about an hour from Ningdu. You were kidnapped. I search for you but I suddenly stop cold in my tracks. I don’t know if you were trafficked in China or sent to the Ningdu Orphanage as some have suggested.”

“I was having a difficult time feeding you. A neighbor told me about an old woman who could take you to her home to fatten you up. I agreed to send you to the old woman. I was tricked and you were sent to the orphanage.” 

 We would not have been able to accomplished this without the help of DNA Connect.org.

Spanish Translation:

No simplemente abandonados
Por Susan Halverson 

(Post de una madre adoptiva con pseudónimo para que podamos continuar investigando)

Mi hija de dieciséis años y yo viajamos a Ningdu, Jiangxi, China en julio de 2015 y luego nuevamente en julio de 2017 con la esperanza de encontrar a su familia biológica. Nuestro enfoque público de la búsqueda ha atraído a muchas familias biológicas. Fue una  búsqueda pública con el uso de las redes sociales, folletos y la televisión, con el fin de atraer mucha atención hacia un adoptado, de modo que los padres biológicos puedan aparecer. 

Algunas personas prefieren buscar en silencio conociendo a los padres de crianza temporal o a los funcionarios del orfanato. En el caso de mi hija, aprendimos de su análisis de orfanato, de encontrar datos de anuncios, y de otra información a través de Research-China.Org,  que la persona que encontró a mi hija y que figura en su documentación de adopción probablemente había sido escrita en el papeleo por el orfanato. Como resultado de toda esta información previa a la búsqueda, llegamos a la conclusión de que la información del orfanato podía ser falsa (esto fue confirmado más tarde). Por lo tanto, como último recurso, decidimos que queríamos enfocar su búsqueda de una manera pública, pero de tal forma que pudiéramos encontrar a tantas familias biológicas como fuera posible. Creímos que todas las familias biológicas merecen saber que sus hijos están vivos y a salvo. De esa forma hemos ganado muchos amigos y experiencias, y un amor por la ciudad de Ningdu.

Lo que aprendimos en nuestra búsqueda es que muchas familias biológicas están desesperadas por saber si sus hijos están seguros y amados. También quieren que sus hijos sepan que la mayoría no fueron simplemente abandonados. Sus historias son honestas, complejas, desgarradoras  y dolorosas. No esperan que sus hijos sean devueltos. Ellos entienden que fueron legalmente adoptados en el extranjero. Pero todos tienen un fuerte deseo de encontrar y conectarse con sus hijos.

Hasta la fecha, no hemos encontrado a la familia de mi hija. Quizás estén relacionados con funcionarios, o quizás vivan lejos y no haya llegados a ellos la información de que estamos buscando, o tal vez haya pasado demasiado tiempo y hayan abandonado Ningdu. No estamos seguros de a dónde nos llevará la búsqueda de mi hija, pero nos sentimos obligados a compartir las conmovedoras historias que nos cuentan.

 Las siguientes son las voces de algunos de los padres biológicos que conocimos en Ningdu, y cuyo ADN ahora se ha enviado para buscar coincidencias.

1-"Ya teníamos a tu hermana de dos años cuando dimos a luz gemelos. Vivimos en un pueblo cerca de Ningdu y somos pobres. Una mujer vino y se llevó a uno de ustedes y unos días volvieron para llevarse el otro. Escuché que fuiste adoptado por separado. La gente puede ver dolor en mis ojos cuando me miran".

2-"Tu madre y yo poseemos una pequeña tienda en un pueblo cerca de Ningdu. Ya tenemos tu hermano y hermana. Cuando naciste, un vecino de la aldea nos advirtió  sobre  Planificación Familiar. Más tarde supimos que si  no informábamos de tu nacimiento, nos arriesgábamos a que nos arrancaran el techo de casa. Guardo un diario con todos los nacimientos de mis hijos, incluido el suyo. "

3-" Vienes de una familia muy pobre sin medios para pagar una multa por un segundo hijo. Nos encontramos con una persona intermedia que dijo que el orfanato nos daría $ 500 USD por ti, y que serás enviado a una familia estadounidense. Al día siguiente cambiamos de opinión. Fuimos al orfanato para llevarte de vuelta, pero nos dijeron que ya te habían enviado a una familia de España para su adopción. "

4-"Una madre adoptiva que trabajaba para el orfanato escuchó que te teníamos a ti. Ella vino a nuestra casa y dijo que si no te diéramos a ella,  se llevaría a tu hermano y hermana no registrados. "

5- " Tu madre estaba muy enferma y nosotros éramos pobres. No teníamos dinero para pagar la factura del hospital y la multa por planificación familiar. Te llevé al orfanato y te dejé en la puerta. Después de que vi que alguien te llevaba dentro, me fui. Tienes tres hermanas mayores. Uno que criamos públicamente, una que escondimos y otro que enviamos a vivir con tu tía. Ahora estamos establecidos. Tenemos más tiempo y el lujo de llorar nuestra pérdida. Te extrañamos. " 

6-"Tuvimos a tus dos hermanas (de 2 y 5 años). Tuvimos la suerte de pagar la multa por tu segunda hermana. Cuando naciste no teníamos los medios para pagar  a planificación familiar. Pagamos a una anciana para mantenerte a salvo hasta que pudiéramos encontrar una manera de mantenerte en nuestra familia. La anciana nos engañó y te envió al orfanato. Tratamos de que volviera del orfanato, pero dijeron que ya te habían enviado al extranjero para tu adopción. Sabemos que no era cierto porque no había manera de que te enviaran tan rápido, pero no pudimos hacer nada. Ahora tienes un hermano menor y todos te echamos de menos ". 

7-"Tu padre y yo tenemos discapacidades y somos pobres. Alguien vino y te llevó al orfanato porque no podíamos cuidarte. Desde que te perdimos, hemos vivido por separado. El dolor es demasiado grande para saber que te perdimos. Tienes una hermana mayor que criamos. Ella es saludable y recibió una educación. Vivimos en un hermoso pueblo en el campo".

8-" Tu tía trabajaba para el orfanato. Ella nos dijo que no podíamos retenerte o que nos multarían o empeorarían. Acordamos permitir que te lleven al orfanato solo para que fueras adoptada por un funcionario local. Pronto descubrimos que te enviaron al extranjero para adopción. Estamos devastados de que nos engañaran y no pudimos ver a nuestro bebé crecer ".   

9-"Tus padres tuvieron cinco hijos. Enviaron a tres de nosotros a vivir con nuestra tía. Tienes dos hermanas mayores y un hermano menor viviendo con la tía. Mamá y papá solo están criando a tu hermana mayor. La tía nos está ayudando a buscarte. Sabemos que fuiste adoptado en el extranjero, así que publicamos folletos en las redes sociales con la esperanza de que algún día nos encuentres. ". 

10-"Mamá y papá están bien educados, pero las presiones de tener un niño en la cultura anterior eran demasiado grandes. Terminaron teniendo a seis de nosotros antes de que finalmente dejaran de tener hijos. Dos de nosotros fuimos criados por mamá y papá, dos de nuestras hermanas. fueron criados por familias locales, y dos hermanas fueron enviadas para su adopción en el extranjero. Mamá y papá tienen mucha culpa. Cuando el abuelo vio a estadounidenses en la ciudad en busca de familias biológicas, me dijo que tenía que encontrarte. Mamá y papá pusieron su ADN en una base de datos de la policía local, así como enviar una muestra de la casa con los estadounidenses " (DNAConnect.Org)

11-"Tu papá y yo somos pobres y no podemos leer ni escribir. Nos dijeron que los americanos  podría ofrecerte una vida mejor y una educación. Como todos los padres, queríamos lo que pensamos que era mejor para nuestro hijo en ese momento. Se aprovecharon. debido a nuestra clase social pobre. Te extrañamos y esperamos que  creas que no te abandonamos te queremos".

12-"Tu madre y yo teníamos veintiún años. Nuestras familias no aprobaron nuestra relación porque teníamos el mismo apellido. Durante ese tiempo en China, tener el mismo apellido significaba que usted está emparentado (aunque sabemos que no lo éramos). Nuestro amor prohibido resultó en tu nacimiento. Los padres de tu madre dijeron que te estaban enviando a vivir a la casa de una tía, pero luego supimos que te enviaron al orfanato. Mis padres y yo intentamos llevarte de regreso durante un año antes de que finalmente siguiera yo con mi vida. Ahora estoy casado con otra mujer. Tienes un medio hermano y nunca te he olvidado ". 

12-"Nuestro abuelo te llevó al orfanato cuando mamá se estaba recuperando del parto. Ahora estoy embarazada y tiemblo al recordar los dolorosos gritos de mamá cuando descubrió que no estabas, te echaba de menos. Los americano nos dijero que nos ayudarían a encontrarte. Mamá, papá, abuelo, abuela y yo fuimos todos a su hotel a dejar una muestra de ADN. "

13-"Regresaste a China y tuvimos la oportunidad de conocerte. Por alguna razón, después de nuestra reunión perdimos contacto. Tu familia le pagó a un corredor de bebés para ir al al orfanato para que te localizara. Tenemos otra hermana enviada al extranjero para su adopción. Algún día, espero que todos los hermanos podamos reunirnos y no pagar los errores de nuestros padres ".

14-"Vivimos en un pueblo muy remoto. Los oficiales te llevaron porque no nos registramos para tener otro bebé. No tenemos un teléfono, nos cuidamos nosotros mismos. No sabemos a quién te  entregaron. Solo sabemos que fuiste adoptado en el extranjero debido a las conversaciones en la aldea. 

15-Soy tu hermana mayor Cuando naciste, nuestro tío te llevó al orfanato de Nanchang, donde tenía conexiones. Mamá y papá aceptaron dejarlo que te llevara porque dijo que tenían mejores condiciones y que serías adoptado antes. Ahora mamá y papá me pidieron que los ayude a encontrarte. Asisto a la escuela para la contabilidad en Nanchang y a menudo pienso en ti. Lamento que nuestra familia te haya pedido. Te extraño hermana pequeña ".

16-"Tu madre te dio a luz en el Hospital Ganzhou, que está a una hora de Ningdu. Usted fue secuestrado. Te busco pero de repente me detengo en seco. No sé si fueron traficados en China o enviados al Orfanato de Ningdu, como algunos han sugerido. "

17- " Estaba teniendo dificultades para alimentarte. Un vecino me contó acerca de una anciana que podría llevarte a su casa para engordarte. Acepté enviarte a la anciana. Me engañaron y te enviaron al orfanato. "

No hubiéramos podido lograr esto sin la ayuda de DNA Connect.org

Monday, September 11, 2017

My Experience With Adopting an Older Child

I received an email this morning from an adoptive mother. As I read her story, I saw an experience we have personally seen, and written much about over the past decade (See articles here and here as examples). The adoption of older children from China is rife with potential issues, and often results in significant emotional turmoil and abuse. This family's experience should serve as an additional cautionary tale for all to tread very, very carefully.


Upon walking into the meeting room I found a 11 year old child slumped over crying.  Shortly after meeting her, the Chinese officials wanted her to sign the document in agreement for adoption.  She kept throwing the pen and they kept putting it in her hand until she finally gave in and signed.  I felt very sad and uncomfortable, yet I said nothing.  I really should have, but I thought perhaps she was just nervous. The next few days she displayed very bad behavior. Her behavior was hateful.  She expressed she wanted to go back to the SWI. My guide and agency acted as if all this was normal behavior.  

In the coming days it became clear she did not at all want to be adopted nor did she ever agree.  She wanted to stay in China.  Furthermore she told me she was not 11 going on 12 but actually 13.    She seemed so worldly for having lived in the SWI her entire life.   She was not impressed with the fancy hotel, McDonalds and other things I assumed she never would have been exposed to.  I asked her if the SWI had always been her home.  She responded yes but I wonder if she had lived somewhere else prior. 

Ultimately, after days of bad and hateful behavior, and requests to be brought back to SWI, I relented and decided to request the adoption be dissolved.   It was a very difficult decision for me, but I imagined my future with an angry resentful child forced to come to the U.S.A.  The guide seemed very angry with the child and said something to her.  After that the child changed behavior and was super well behaved, nervously cleaning our room, etc.  She even was on her knees with hands in prayer position begging to come.  It was so sad.   I asked the guide what she had said, and I told her I felt she said something to scare the child.   The child also exhibited bizarre and self-harming behavior.  It may sound strange but I was even afraid of her at times.   I believe perhaps this child was suffering from RAD.

When I brought the child back to the Civil Affairs office to meet her nanny and go back to the SWI, she was so happy.  The child gave me my first hug and biggest smile ever.   I felt that was almost a thank you hug.

Now, home six  months later, I am still so sad and upset at everything that has happened. Now I'm only left with the anxiety over having to leave a child behind.   Also wondering would she perhaps have been happy at being adopted once home, etc., etc.