tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post1536382988437193271..comments2024-03-10T15:13:47.148-07:00Comments on Research-China.Org: "What to Tell -- And When" Follow-UpResearch-China.Orghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-57871939397754564362010-06-10T21:46:51.146-07:002010-06-10T21:46:51.146-07:00We did some research, and got lucky. I think the ...We did some research, and got lucky. I think the potential exists for many families to locate the birth families of their children, but most will not know the way to do it. Unless one knows what is going on in an orphanage, for example, someone could talk to a finder and never know the right questions to ask. For that and many other reasons, most families will never learn who the birth families are.<br /><br />BrianResearch-China.Orghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-21975409524995357912010-06-10T21:38:49.963-07:002010-06-10T21:38:49.963-07:00i know you are a researcher, but how do you know a...i know you are a researcher, but how do you know about your daughters birth families? do you think that the future does hold a possibility that our girls will be able to locate their birth families?<br />pollyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-27074340374415129382010-06-10T00:01:49.818-07:002010-06-10T00:01:49.818-07:00As an adoptee I feel very uncomfortable with this ...As an adoptee I feel very uncomfortable with this way of dealing with adoption questions.As I've said before some adopters are so anxious to do the right thing that they take over too much of the adoptee's story which is disempowering, intrusive and smothering.<br />Conducting a survey is very organised and doesn't feel very conducive to gaining honest answers or answers that do anything other than please the questioner or make the topic go away, if the subject is a teenager.Vonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17421069895155350144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-29561106309444473272010-05-30T18:08:03.740-07:002010-05-30T18:08:03.740-07:00Brian, I finally got around to those questions wit...Brian, I finally got around to those questions with my 5 1/2 year old and I wasn't shocked, but was surprised that she was even more uncomfortable than I thought talking about adoption with me. http://mostlyamelia.blogspot.com/2010/05/talking-adoption.htmlSharihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03734301080820930082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-10978580767684827642010-05-23T02:07:50.558-07:002010-05-23T02:07:50.558-07:00Hi Brian.
Would it be an idea to create a Poll on ...Hi Brian.<br />Would it be an idea to create a Poll on this blog with the questions you mentioned? Don't know if it would provide new insights...or really great diffenrences regarding to the age of the children..<br />just an idea.<br /><br />regardsBonnyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03875331718762905126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-11766985756644488682010-05-21T14:34:42.167-07:002010-05-21T14:34:42.167-07:00We had a discussion about that a few weeks ago, an...We had a discussion about that a few weeks ago, and so far none of the school-mates of my daughters have made any negative comments. One neighborhood girl asked if my girls were real sisters, and they answered yes. They then explained, "But we had different birth mothers." Seemed like a perfect answer to me.<br /><br />BrianResearch-China.Orghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-14769735853620842082010-05-21T14:21:28.091-07:002010-05-21T14:21:28.091-07:00My two oldest have both wrote about being adopted ...My two oldest have both wrote about being adopted in their high school newspapers. They put more in there than they have told me. One of their biggest issues were NOT liking what their friends would say about adoption. I'm guessing the friends hear some of this from their parents. The parents/friends don't get it that we are actually happy, content and really wouldn't change our lives.Sammyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11811849246815996936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-2539773734589569642010-05-19T19:28:37.006-07:002010-05-19T19:28:37.006-07:00I appreciate your openness to this topic and check...I appreciate your openness to this topic and checking in with your own girls about their thoughts. I agree that many adoptive parents seem to project their own thoughts/feelings about their child's adoption onto their children. It seems to be best to be open to answering questions but let them find their own way when they are emotionally and developmentally ready.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-36721508284203168192010-05-19T16:05:27.941-07:002010-05-19T16:05:27.941-07:00I have always spoken to my daughters, ages 12 and ...I have always spoken to my daughters, ages 12 and 14, about their adoption story, as much as I knew. Both have gone through enormous grief over the loss of their birth family, particularly their birth mother. Don't think because they don't want to talk that they are not hurting. Like many of us the pain is better pushed away, but someday has to be dealt with. Both of my daughters have been in adoptive counseling (different from ordinary counseling)to deal with loss, grief and anger. It has been emotional, but healing for all of us. I might add, they may also not think you are the greatest because you took them out of an orphanage and out of their birth country.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-11367860993355705192010-05-17T19:10:47.748-07:002010-05-17T19:10:47.748-07:00"However, the survey also brought home what m..."However, the survey also brought home what many of the comments pointed out -- there is an unspoken understanding that any information about their birth families is desired, even if it is limited to just seeing what they looked like."<br /><br />My recent conversation bears that out totally:<br /><br />http://osolomama.wordpress.com/2010/05/18/talking-or-not-talking-about-adoption/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-45218242771715156282010-05-16T20:21:11.575-07:002010-05-16T20:21:11.575-07:00Speaking as an adoptee, I'm completely in the ...Speaking as an adoptee, I'm completely in the "would want to know everything you know" camp and I completely disagree with your suggestion in the last blog entry of "don't tell unless asked". I personally believe there is a big difference between the 2 questions - how much do I want to know about my birth family and how much do I want to know what my parents know about my history. The 2nd question is a lot more IMO about being able to trust my parents and to believe they trust me as well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-56520394535448371862010-05-15T14:39:39.791-07:002010-05-15T14:39:39.791-07:00he localizado como traducir del ingles, puedo segu...he localizado como traducir del ingles, puedo seguir sus comentarios!!luisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-61890206791804595032010-05-13T16:49:56.908-07:002010-05-13T16:49:56.908-07:00My children are much too young to even begin to be...My children are much too young to even begin to be able to participate in a survey like the one you did with your kids.<br /><br />Which just confirms that they're too young for anything but the most basic level of discussions about their adoption. <br /><br />Of course, you'll get some comments from the self-proclaimed experts who will insist that you don't know your own kids as well as you think you do.<br /><br />Thanks for the interesting insight, Brian. I'll keep it in mind as my kids get older and I continue to add little bits to our ongoing discussions about adoption.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-85012874039793732182010-05-13T16:01:49.948-07:002010-05-13T16:01:49.948-07:00The comment above roughly (Google) translates as f...The comment above roughly (Google) translates as follows:<br /><br />Sorry I can not follow the blog comments because I google my translator translates into Castilian and find it hard to understand English. It's a shame because I see that are more interesting and delicate here. My daughter is five and a half year ± os and you have great curiosity about his past, pregnancy and motherhood in general. We have made a personal story with drawings made by me, without going into detail and somewhat poetic as we told him we come together as family. He explained in terms of what she requested, without imposing any information.<br />But my other big ambiguity focuses on the issue of transmission of culture. Each parent acts differently with their daughters, to what extent it is necessary to immersion in Chinese culture? (Attend Chinese classes, meetings with Chinese adoptive families, games ...). East I doubt about the need to bring to the culture of birth if she does not ask. I'll be ordering it laprimera that it will offer, in fact I keep a trunk full of books, photos, CD ... etc. In case I am preparing a "big trip to China" to accompany ± she make when you have an old enough, about 10 year ± os perhaps, to know their origins, but it will be if she wishes.Research-China.Orghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-63393597060249892362010-05-13T15:23:50.307-07:002010-05-13T15:23:50.307-07:00Siento no poder seguir los comentarios del blog pu...Siento no poder seguir los comentarios del blog pues mi traductor google no me los traduce al castellano y me cuesta mucho entender ingles. Es una pena pues veo que son interesantes y mas en este punto tan delicado. Mi hija tiene cinco años y medio y ya tiene gran curiosidad sobre su pasado, el embarazo y la maternidad en general. Le hemos realizado un cuento personalizado con dibujos hechos por mi, sin entrar en detalles y de manera un tanto poetica le contamos como nos unimos como familia. Le explicaremos en funcion de lo que ella solicite, sin imponerle informacion.<br />Pero mi otra gran ambiguedad se centra en el tema de transmision de la cultura. Cada padre actua de manera diferente con sus hijas, hasta que punto es necesario la inmersion en la cultura china ?(asistir a clases de chino, encuentros con familias adoptantes chinas, juegos orientales...). Yo dudo sobre la necesidad de acercar a la cultura de nacimiento si ella no lo pide. De pedirlo sere laprimera que se lo ofrecere, de hecho le guardo un baul repleto de libros, fotos, CD...etc. Por si acaso ya estoy preparando un "gran viaje a China " para acompañarle cuando tenga una edad suficiente, unos 10 años quizas, a conocer sus origenes, pero será si ella lo desea.luisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-27458812651220484312010-05-13T13:16:07.052-07:002010-05-13T13:16:07.052-07:00How do you know that your teen is answering you ho...How do you know that your teen is answering you honestly, since she already said she isn't comfortable talking about this stuff with you? I guess you can at least take comfort that she would tell you she doesn't like talking with you (vs others) about this. It's the ultimate "observer bias" problem, I suppose. But good for you for opening the dialogue.<br /><br />FWIW, I would have put the set the low end of the scale on those "information about orphanage" etc questions at "definitely don't want to know" vs. "don't care." I think your kids showed you that "don't care" may be separate from "don't want to know" and the mid-point answer, which you rightly interpret as ambivalence, suggests that they vacillate between wanting to know and not wanting, vs just being uninterested. Luckily, you could discuss the answers and tease this out.<br /><br />The best part of this is that you got guidance from your kids on how much they really do want to know about their origins, which you can now act on, given the other information you have and your own adult perspective on what they are "ready" for. And you've again shown them that you are ready to talk when they are, which may not come through if you just "wait" for them to come to you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-2119823822585823202010-05-13T09:48:14.617-07:002010-05-13T09:48:14.617-07:00Interesting. I'll have to figure out a way to ...Interesting. I'll have to figure out a way to help my 5 year old understand survey like that - I'll do it with what I think her answers will be - and then have her do it. See how well I know her.<br /><br />I'm guessing pretty well - but I could be totally off. I'll let you know what I find out.Sharihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03734301080820930082noreply@blogger.com