tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post1368193551223244365..comments2024-03-10T15:13:47.148-07:00Comments on Research-China.Org: What to Tell -- And WhenResearch-China.Orghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-22151129997655505912015-01-02T06:23:45.904-08:002015-01-02T06:23:45.904-08:00So glad to read this post. I've been so worri...So glad to read this post. I've been so worried about this. My DD is 4.5 and of course knows she is from China. She loves to hear the story about when we got her, and she knows she had nannies and a foster family that took care of her in China. She has seen all the photos from those times. I kept wondering when we would be having the tummy mommy talk, but she figured out on her own that since she is from China, and I'm not, that she was never in my tummy, as she told her friends at school. She has never asked any questions about what any of that means, and she is definitely a question asker when she wants to know something! She won't quit until you are exhausted of answers. So for now, I'm not going to worry any more about it. I feel a strong connection with her birth parents because I love her so much and they are a part of her. I think about them all the time and I definitely want to find them if possible, but those are all my feelings. Shas never asked about her "tummy mommy", and I know she is smart enough to know that if she wasn't in my tummy she in someone else's, so I will take that as a sign she is not ready or doesn't care yet. Thanks so much for posting this!LDTnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-23121929683768287752012-07-04T20:18:05.510-07:002012-07-04T20:18:05.510-07:00I stumbled on this blog by accident. I help separ...I stumbled on this blog by accident. I help separated families reconnect for free. <br /><br />I wish we did not use the term mother and father to describe the people who adopt because it creates loyalty issues and guilt for adopted people, they have parents and, parents are not always able to raise their children but it does not mean they are no longer the child's mother and father. It seems it would be so much better to let the child be who they are the son or daughter of their mother and father and carry the family name if its known and then part of their reality is that they are being raised by a an adoptive family who took over raising the child for the parents. The parents have no legal authority over the child the people who adopted do. Instead of issuing a new birth record issue an adoption decree and let people make up their own terms of affection within their households - Nobody would love anyone any less and its obvious people who adopt have the greater bond with the child because they are there every day. I just wonder why they have to have that parental title in order to reach out and help a familiy in crisis. That is the whole point of adoption right? To help families in crisis by taking in their children when they are unable to care for them? Adoption is not a way of creating a family for the people adopting - that turns abandoned children into comodities. Adoption is a way to save a family from having one of its children die of malnutrition or neglect or abuse. <br /><br />What if we told adopted kids of course you have a mother and father like everyone else but your family for whatever reason did not think they could keep you safe and that is why I'stepped in to help and some day if you want to I will help you find them. I know a couple that is Ama and Apa adopted momma and adopted papa. They adopted the infant children of a couple that died in a car accident. They did not do it for themselves to become parents they did it so they children would not end up in foster care. They did it to keep the kids family together. Why would they want to call themselves mom and Dad? A grandmother can adopt her grandchild without calling herself Mom that would be strange right? Why is this so different. I say tell them everything from the begining and let them grieve. Their situation is not normal it does not matter what they'd like realty to be like the job is to teach them to deal with the truth in a healthy way.marilynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16636038698826761202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-53733324757357389642011-09-14T16:05:18.519-07:002011-09-14T16:05:18.519-07:00Thanks for this. I totally agree. As a related poi...Thanks for this. I totally agree. As a related point, I've been troubled by children's books on adoption that stress birth family issues. My daughter's job as a little girl is growing up--not dwelling on a loss that she is not aware of. And, not *introducing* her to the idea of a loss when she has enough stress in her little life already!<br /><br />When I read her "I love you like crazy cakes," I skip the part about crying for the birth mother. I don't think my daughter needs that.<br /><br />I'm glad to talk about birth mothers and birth families when she asks. Until she does, I will hold off.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-18173280924367705152010-11-20T16:22:01.853-08:002010-11-20T16:22:01.853-08:00Just stumbled upon this blog... not sure how or wh...Just stumbled upon this blog... not sure how or why I did, but I read most of it. I felt like screaming sometimes because it seemed like the old expression "beating a dead horse" and many just didn't seem to be getting Brian's point. I could go on forever and try to explain my own veiwpoints, but unfortunately don't have time. Just wanted to say I totally agreed with Brian's original post and think all parents need to remember "children" need to be children and don't need some information too soon... just like discussing the birds and the bees, we don't normally do so with a two year old. I have two daughters adopted from China and they are getting all the information they need for their emotional ages and more if and when they ask. No, they will never be so "left in the dark" that they won't know there are questions to ask. They will be presented with tidbits of information at intervals to see if they are curious for more. If they are curious for more at that given time, they will receive what they need or ask for... not what I think they need to so-call protect them in this big bad world. Just as my children are not yet ready to learn about the reality of murders and bombings until their minds are curious enough to ask, I feel no need to give them the not so pretty realities of adoption and adoption vocabulary until they are able to accept and digest it. My six year old has known from the time she was one that she came from China... mommy went to China to bring her home... she was waiting for mommy in China. She watched her homecoming video almost daily. Each year she gets a little older life offers plenty of opportunities for her to get more information and I always present her with opportunities to ask... that is without "my" deciding to give it at once. Over the past five years she has come to learn "she was born in China" "mommy and daddy were not born in China" "she is Chinese" "she grew in another lady's belly" "mommy could not grow her in mommy's belly, but that was okay because God already had a plan for her to be mommy's daughter and mommy went to China for her" "she lived in an orphanage where the nannies took care of her until mommy could come" More recently: "she was "adopted" using the word and meaning of adoption" and the meaning of "birthmother or birthparent" although she has shown no interest yet in "her" birthparent. I expect that soon the birth family questions will come and will do the best I can to be prepared to give her what she needs when she needs it or wants it. Meanwhile I have a very happy well-adjusted little girl who hasn't had the burden yet of thinking about those big thoughts that would dare to keep her awake at night or cause her to cry herself to sleep. She has lots of time for that, as we all know and God forbid it come at such a tender age. During our bedtime prayers, "I" say a prayer for her birthparents to myself and I feel someday when she is ready, "she" might decide to do so also.Wandanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-77264097262898930702010-07-30T02:13:04.182-07:002010-07-30T02:13:04.182-07:00Thanks, Brian for your help, and for your work. Yo...Thanks, Brian for your help, and for your work. You have open me my vision of the adoption situation. <br /><br />Marilúmarilunoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-20703370092272230022010-07-29T14:17:28.449-07:002010-07-29T14:17:28.449-07:00I am not surprised by the reaction of some in the ...I am not surprised by the reaction of some in the adoption community to your efforts. Often adoptive families are fearful of those who seek to obtain or publicize information out of a sense that it may bring trouble to the adoption program. For these individuals, maintaining the program is more important than truth, and so they discourage any negative discussions, or any attempts to get information through unofficial channels. <br /><br />Then there is the fear that you will really find something.<br /><br />What many fail to realize is that their children WILL one day find this information. I have no doubt that many of these kids will one day contact me and ask what information I have. In many cases they will discover birth family information, orphanage records, etc. that completely change the way they will look at their adoption. Avoiding the obtaining of information only postpones the discovery, it doesn't prevent it.<br /><br />Good luck in your efforts!!<br /><br />BrianResearch-China.Orghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-87599927930952117812010-07-29T14:12:13.247-07:002010-07-29T14:12:13.247-07:00Here is a Google translation of the above comment:...Here is a Google translation of the above comment:<br /><br />First of all forgive me for writing in Spanish. My daughter is now 5 year ± os and as in all cases, I will explain aspects of its past as she requested, for now there is not much she says that it wants to know, this is a process that we will be working at home .<br />The purpose of my comment is a different:<br />As an adoptive mother I've been feeling progressively more the need to inquire about the past of my daughter. Home © a blog dedicated to her and her circumstances. Outset Avoid giving personal data, post pictures of themselves or others and in case of placing someone else's text and to request permission the source text.<br />My blog is called<br />gaozijuan.blogspot.com<br /><br />With the intention of giving information to the adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents, you want this blog to be useful and to offer specialized information and Gaozhou Gaozhou SWI, for here in Espaà ± a there is almost no information about it. It is an interesting and entertaining!, Many hours spent on the blog.<br />My first big disappointment receives yahoo.groups community, which had become part. Order order to use some pictures of landscapes Gaozhou, the orphanage, that if excluding ± os child photos out of respect for privacy and met with stiff reaction © a certain scandal. I get a lot of messages asking me not to make use of their photos. The truth is that still do not understand this resistance because it would not publish personal photos. Even the moderator attempt to mediate but without success. My conclusion is that many people have no idea how important it can be for many parents be able to see photos and information. In conclusion, I believe is a lack of sensitivity towards others. Or is it my fault?, And do not know.<br /><br />Then create a new blog, the caller ©<br />buscandoamimamaenchina.blogspot.com<br /><br />Displaying the feedback I get, for any mobilized to search for the biological mother and less to publish the Finding Aid, I wonder if the problem I have. © I be mistaken with my goals for my daughter? I am disrespecting the public if these two blogs, without their consent? I have to wait until she is older to do this?<br />For my part I have made clear that s is given the very remote possibility that someday I locate the biological mother of my daughter, I will not be presented promptly to my daughter. Would remain as something that I know and inform © if she wishes, never would force processes.<br /><br />No Brian, you think?<br /><br />A greeting.<br /><br />Marila ºResearch-China.Orghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-46688064050862610562010-07-29T14:05:51.744-07:002010-07-29T14:05:51.744-07:00Antes que nada perdonadme por escribir en español....Antes que nada perdonadme por escribir en español. Mi hija ahora tiene 5 años y como en todos los casos, le voy explicando aspectos de su pasado a medida que ella lo solicita, por ahora no es mucho lo que ella manifiesta querer saber, este es un proceso que iremos trabajando en casa.<br />El objetivo de mi comentario es otro diferente:<br />Como madre adoptiva progresivamente he ido sintiendo mas la necesidad de indagar sobre el pasado de mi hija. Inicié un blog dedicado a ella y a sus circunstancias. Evite desde un principio dar datos personales, poner fotos propias o de otros y en caso de colocar un texto ajeno solicitar permiso y poner la fuente de origen del texto.<br />Mi blog se llama<br />gaozijuan.blogspot.com<br /><br />Con la intencion de dar informacion a los padres adoptivos y a los futuros adoptantes, desee que este blog fuera util y que ofreciera informacion especializada de Gaozhou y del Gaozhou SWI, pues aqui en España no hay casi informacion al respecto. Es un trabajo interesante y entretenido!!!, son muchas horas dedicadas al blog.<br />Mi primera gran decepcion la recibí de la comunidad de yahoo.groups , donde habia entrado a formar parte. Solicite poder hacer uso de algunas fotos de paisajes de Gaozhou, del orfanato, eso si excluyendo fotos de niños por respeto a la intimidad y me encontré con una dura reaccion, un cierto escandalo. Recibí un monton de mensajes pidiendome que no hiciera uso de sus fotos. Lo cierto es que todavia no entiendo esta resistencia pues no iba a publicar fotos personales. Incluso la moderadora intento intermediar pero sin resultados positivos. Mi conclusion es que mucha gente no tiene idea de lo importante que puede ser para muchos padres poder visionar fotos y tener informacion. En conclusion, creo es una falta de sensibilidad hacia los demas. O es culpa mia?, ya no lo se.<br /><br />Posteriormente cree un nuevo blog, al que llamé <br />buscandoamimamaenchina.blogspot.com<br /><br />Viendo los comentarios que recibo, ninguno a favor de movilizarse para buscar a la madre biologica y menos de publicar el finding Aid, empiezo a preguntarme si el problema lo tengo yo. Me estaré equivocando con mis objetivos hacia mi hija? Le estoy faltando al respeto si publico estos dos blogs, sin contar con su consentimiento? Tengo que esperar a que ella sea mayor para realizar esta tarea?<br />Por mi parte tengo claro que, s se diera la muy remota posibilidad de que algun dia localizo a la madre biologica de mi hija, no voy a presentarsela rapidamente a mi hija. Quedaria como algo que yo conozco y la informaré si ella lo desea, jamas forzaria procesos.<br /><br />No se Brian, usted que opina?<br /><br />Un saludo.<br /><br />Marilúmarilunoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-34558366006163915502010-07-22T12:07:01.196-07:002010-07-22T12:07:01.196-07:00Evelein,
I am a Korean adult adoptee. I appreciat...Evelein,<br /><br />I am a Korean adult adoptee. I appreciate what you wrote:<br /><br />"The one thing that I do not see mentioned in this discussion is the loyalty that adoptees feel towards their adoptive parents...A child not talking about birthparents does not necessarily mean that the child doesn't want to!...<br /><br />...How fearful this can be for some children!<br /><br />Needless to say that the birthparents of our children are part of our lives, even if we do not know them."<br /><br />I actually mentioned in one of my comments that "If my parents had simply asked me something like, 'Do you want to see your file?' or 'Do you want to ever see photos of your birth family?' I almost invariably would have answered, 'No' out of insecurity and fear that saying 'Yes' would have endangered my position as my adoptive parents' daughter."<br /><br />The loyalty & fear that you mention are primary reasons I never expressed any questions or thoughts and certainly any emotions regarding my adoption & birth family. I was too insecure and feared that if I did express anything about my birth family, I would appear ungrateful and selfish, while also hurting my family & endangering myself as their daughter...<br /><br />Although the approach that Brian propounds may work for some adoptive children, as I expressed, it would not and did not work for me...Melissahttp://yoonsblur.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-55757303901959462112010-07-22T11:11:17.833-07:002010-07-22T11:11:17.833-07:00The one thing that I do not see mentioned in this ...The one thing that I do not see mentioned in this discussion is the loyalty that adoptees feel towards their adoptive parents. This loyality might mean that the adoptee will not bring up the issue of birthfamily because the child is afraid of hurting the adoptive parents. <br /><br />A child not talking about birthparents does not necessarily mean that the child doesn't want to! <br /><br />In the cases were the child lies awake or cries because of loss of birthparents to me it means that the adoptive parents are doing a good job in providing an environment for their child where they can express their feelings freely. Also, one should never underestimate the grief a child experiences over the loss of birthparents, even if they were relinquished at birth. <br /><br />As adoptive parents we should take our responsibilities in this and make sure that our child feels free to talk about his/her birthfamily instead of giving the child the responsibility for rearing these subjects. How fearful this can be for some children!<br /><br />Needless to say that the birthparents of our children are part of our lives, even if we do not know them. <br /><br />Regards,<br />EvelienAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-91375965848040227082010-07-17T15:11:03.614-07:002010-07-17T15:11:03.614-07:00I find myself wishing more and more that my paren...I find myself wishing more and more that my parents had established a more open ongoing conversation with me beginning as a very young child, because that is actually what I needed. I needed someone to pry and to dig...<br /><br />Fortunately, I have a husband who is completely engaged and knows how to draw me out and knows how to pry and not shrink back from my reticence (which is really insecurity and fear).<br /><br />I wrote a blog post actually, a while back called, "A common misassumption: 'My adopted child isn't going to have issues.'" http://yoonsblur.blogspot.com/2010/04/common-mistake-made-by-adoptive-parents.html<br /><br />I was that "issue free" child for most of my childhood and adulthood. But it was actually just a carefully constructed facade. It was simply a result of having grown up in an environment that failed to help me manage my deep emotions & profound insecurities. So instead, I completely ignored and buried them for most of my life...<br /><br />Obviously, not every adoptee is going to be like me. But as a child there were already signs of deep emotions--grief & loss, fear & sadness--that had my parents been aware and willing to begin dealing with it, I think I would have had a much less confusing time in life as an adolescent & adult.<br /><br />I have always been so guarded and I need people in my life who are willing to risk breaking down that guard. When a child or an adult puts up a wall, that doesn't always mean we should submit. Sometimes it means we need to make gentle, patient yet strong & persistent efforts to break through...<br /><br />So again, your approach may work for some, but it certainly would not have worked for me...I don't mean that in some cocky, mean way. I simply mean it to exemplify and reiterate that a "one-size-fits-all" approach should be avoided when it comes to raising adopted childrenMilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14088039434355591753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-31343037769297987922010-07-17T15:09:40.051-07:002010-07-17T15:09:40.051-07:00As one who reunited with my biological family last...As one who reunited with my biological family last year, I find myself wishing more and more that my parents had established a more open ongoing conversation with me beginning as a very young child, because that is actually what I needed. I needed someone to pry and to dig...<br /><br />Fortunately, I have a husband who is completely engaged and knows how to draw me out and knows how to pry and not shrink back from my reticence (which is really insecurity and fear).<br /><br />I wrote a blog post actually, a while back called, "A common misassumption: 'My adopted child isn't going to have issues.'" http://yoonsblur.blogspot.com/2010/04/common-mistake-made-by-adoptive-parents.html<br /><br />I was that "issue free" child for most of my childhood and adulthood. But it was actually just a carefully constructed facade. It was simply a result of having grown up in an environment that failed to help me manage my deep emotions & profound insecurities. So instead, I completely ignored and buried them for most of my life. Later as an adult, I experienced a string of intense losses within a year (a failed engagement & the sudden deaths of two of my best friends, over whom I still grieve...), and it is that which I believe finally forced the truth that was within me to the surface.<br /><br />Obviously, not every adoptee is going to be like me. But as a child there were already signs of deep emotions--grief & loss, fear & sadness--that had my parents been aware and willing to begin dealing with it, I think I would have had a much less confusing time in life as an adolescent & adult...I have always been so guarded and I need people in my life who are willing to risk breaking down that guard, including my parents. When a child or an adult puts up a wall, that doesn't always mean we should submit. Sometimes it means we need to make gentle, patient yet strong & persistent efforts to break through...<br /><br />So again, your approach may work for some, but it certainly would not have worked for me...I don't mean that in some cocky, mean way. I simply mean it to exemplify and reiterate that a "one-size-fits-all" approach should be avoided when it comes to raising adopted childrenMilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14088039434355591753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-27026065360375805992010-07-17T15:05:16.678-07:002010-07-17T15:05:16.678-07:00This is quite an interesting discussion. As a Kore...This is quite an interesting discussion. As a Korean-American adult adoptee, there are of course some things with which I agree & some with which I disagree...<br /><br />The key, as many have expressed, however is less of a "universal" approach and more of an individual approach. Your approach may work for some but certainly should not be applied to all adopted children. <br /><br />I was a very naturally guilty, self-suppressed adoptee. I actually needed my parents to draw me out, but they never did, so I remained silent and never said a word. Like Mei-Ling, I actually never fantasized about my Korean family as a child. For me, I think that was in part because I was so afraid and so suppressed...<br /> <br />And even still as an adult, I have had to make great efforts to be open and to be honest about how I truly feel about my adoption. It was not until my late twenties that I even began to scratch the surface. Honestly, I believe that had my parents made more efforts to educate themselves and to educate me and help draw me out, my journey would have made a lot more sense to me and I would have been less confused.<br /><br />I'm not saying that you don't make efforts to draw your children out, rather I'm saying that your specific approach would NOT have worked with me had I been your adopted child. <br /><br />I needed, and still need, to feel more secure with my parents. I needed to hear things from my parents repeatedly like, "We want you to feel safe asking questions about your birth family. We will tell you whatever you want to know...We won't ever leave you or be angry with you for wanting to know about your birth family" and so forth...<br /><br />If my parents had simply asked me something like, "Do you want to see your file?" or "Do you want to ever see photos of your birth family?" I almost invariably would have answered, "No" out of insecurity and fear that saying "Yes" would have endangered my position as my adoptive parents' daughter. <br /><br />(continued in following comment, cuz I'm so long-winded...)Milahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14088039434355591753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-15799514326037275922010-06-10T14:14:04.620-07:002010-06-10T14:14:04.620-07:00PPS I've thunk and thunk and I still can't...PPS I've thunk and thunk and I still can't grasp what Mei Ling means by the comment that 'the primal wound is a blanket statement' Perhaps someone would care to enlighten me.Either here or on the post I'm about to put up, perhpas more appropriately.Vonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17421069895155350144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-51782121083942781702010-06-10T00:06:05.110-07:002010-06-10T00:06:05.110-07:00Ps is the header photo suggesting that giving adop...Ps is the header photo suggesting that giving adoption information is a gift?Isn't it everyone's right to have birth information and for adoptees to receive that in the way they want to when older?If not then what does the photo signify?Vonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17421069895155350144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-9257798428746508282010-05-21T12:13:33.513-07:002010-05-21T12:13:33.513-07:00If I were lucky enough to have photos of my kids&#...If I were lucky enough to have photos of my kids' birth families, they would have been looking at them from day one. Why on earth not??<br /><br />"Why can't all four parents be real in their own roles?" Mei Ling, I completely agree. I got "Adoptive Families" magazine for several years. They are HUGE on educating the world on "appropriate adoption language." For a few years there I actually believed that I *was* the "real" mother, or that at the very least, the term "real mother" certainly did NOT refer to the "biological" (what a clinical term) mother. What are we afraid of here? Aren't we all real? If anyone ever asks my kids in my presence about their REAL parents, they are going to get the "we are all real" answer. Why does only one set of parents count?? <br /><br />Needless to say, I stopped getting Adoptive Families magazine. Talk about unbalanced.<br /><br />My 5-yr-old is very emotionally immature. He has an extremely difficult time expressing any feeling. If I don't do a lot of the talking on this issue, then nothing will get said! I am not going to hammer him over the head with it, but I know my son and I know that nothing will ever get said if I leave it up to him (at least for the short-term).<br /><br />I am reminded of the philosphy some parents have of not taking their child to church: "We're going to let him decide when he's older." Decide what? What child is going to decide to go somewhere he's never been that his parents clearly don't care about? ??? Hey parents: You already decided FOR him by not making it an option.<br /><br />I want my sons to know that talking about anything adoption-related (or ANYTHING) is always an option. I do this by TALKING about it.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12658805027702738889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-10007450244247033832010-05-20T05:57:03.466-07:002010-05-20T05:57:03.466-07:00Sorry, I don't know why my comment came throug...Sorry, I don't know why my comment came through as being from an anon poster. Anywho, I read one of your previous comments, and it seems you think people have misunderstood your original post. I'm going to give my response/s to the comment you made:<br /><br />"1) Do birth parent celebration ceremonies (balloons, Mother's Day cards, etc.) without gaining the approval of their child. If the child is too young, you don't do it. When they get older, you ask if that is something they would like to do, and if they say yes, fine. But if they are not interested, you don't do it."<br /><br />The first thing I will say, is that you seem to have quite a systematic way of doing things. Like: "adoptive parents should do it this way", but as others have said, your "advice" won't always work, because it parenting isn't a one-size-fits-all situation. We adoptees aren't things that can be studied and we're not things that you can instruct others about.<br /><br />"2) If you gain specific information about a child's birth family, you don't tell your child about it until they ask. Instead, you tell them if they ever want to know more about a birth family, they should ask you. Only when they ask are you able to tell them."<br /><br />I don't agree with this. Well... not entirely. It sounds as though you're saying to keep information from your child, deliberately. And like I said before, just waiting for them to come to you may not necessarily work for all.<br /><br />"3) You don't tell them things you don't KNOW -- "Your birth mother misses you, your birth family was poor and couldn't take care of you, etc., they had to give you up because of the one-child policy, etc."<br /><br />Instead, you reassure them that you are ready to answer their questions whenever they are curious about something, and let them guide the conversations."<br /><br />OK, sure. But again, I think your whole approach is somewhat... offensive to adoptees. It seems as though you approach parenting adopted children as though we're things that you can educate others on. But parenting any child (regardless of whether or not they're adopted) is different for everyone, and you can't give "directions" the way I feel you have, as though we're anything but human.<br /><br />That's my point.윤선http://seumnida.annyeong.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-31989045608209353622010-05-19T21:30:16.575-07:002010-05-19T21:30:16.575-07:00I appreciate your comments as an adoptee, but perh...I appreciate your comments as an adoptee, but perhaps you missed some of what I wrote, and expanded upon in the comments. From the original posting I stated:<br /><br />"We have discussed adoption, conception and pregnancy, and other corollary issues from time to time, but I have never, without having the subject introduced by a daughter, initiated a conversation by saying, "Do you wish you knew your birth mother?" Or, "Do you want to know more about your abandonment?" I have always indicated a willingness to answer any and all questions (not just about adoption but about anything), so I am confident my kids know that if they ask any question we will try to provide them with a good answer. But the point is, I wait for them to ask."<br /><br />There is no question that we talk about adoption in our family. We keep it general. Sometimes the general discussion will lead to specific questions or observations from my daughters. But it is them that make it specific. We start the conversation, my daughters direct it. If they want to take it to a personal level, we embrace that and support them in their questions. So it is not that we never talk about it. Rather, we allow them the POWER to decide what they want to discuss, and when.<br /><br />That is the point.<br /><br />BrianResearch-China.Orghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-47747648978768581882010-05-19T21:22:22.811-07:002010-05-19T21:22:22.811-07:00As an adoptee, I'm going to jump on the bandwa...As an adoptee, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and have my say on your post. Note: I have not read everyone else's comments, so excuse me if I'm repeating something or... something.<br /><br />I think, like Malinda says, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to breaching the topic of your child's adoption. And from my POV, I'm going to disagree with your post. You're basically claiming that instead of the parents going up to children and talking about adoption, their birth parents etc, you should instead let them come to you. OK, fair enough. I can see where you're coming from. But I will ask: how is a child supposed to talk about something that they're not wholly aware of? Isn't it part of your job - as a parent - to provide them with information about the world, including their heritage and backgrounds? I am DREADFUL at maths. Always have been. Your approach, to me, is like suddenly having me (someone who can hardly do upper level primary maths!) to suddenly give you the solutions about difficult problems that are made for university-level maths students. Would you expect that from someone like me? No. Similarly, how can you expect young children to come to you about something when they haven't even got all the facts?<br /><br />I was adopted when I was about six months old from Korea. My parents are very loving and have ALWAYS told me that I'm welcome to talk to them about anything to do with my adoption. And I have plenty to say (just look at my blog!), but I often haven't. Why? Not because I didn't think they'd want me to, not because I didn't think they were interested, but because adoption and MY adoption was just... too hard for me to even accept as a child, let alone talk about it to the people who, I knew, had a big, but somewhat opposite view on it. Please be aware that as an adoptee, our adoptions can be EXTREMELY difficult things to bring up, and depending on your child, it sometimes takes YOU to mention it for it to be spoken about.<br /><br />I'm not saying that you're saying to KEEP information from them, but I also think that in not talking about it, and just waiting for them to come to you, well that's not always going to work, because to me, never talking about it makes you seem as if you don't care, and if you don't care, then why should they come to you?<br /><br />I believe and feel that actions speak much louder than words, and I think that you saying things like: "you can always come to us if you want to talk about something" passes along a very different message than you never bringing it up and just waiting for them to come to you.<br /><br />Again, it depends on the child. But I know that from my experiences as an adoptee, your approach would not have worked with me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-61484084489574978602010-05-19T13:03:57.257-07:002010-05-19T13:03:57.257-07:00Von - The primal wound is a blanket statement. Tha...Von - The primal wound is a blanket statement. That's why some people are so skeptical of it.Mei Linghttp://sisterheping.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-76235590515200673122010-05-18T23:37:41.670-07:002010-05-18T23:37:41.670-07:00So many interesting points here that indicate just...So many interesting points here that indicate just how ill prepared adopters sometimes are to deal with the trauma their adoptee children have experienced.Why would you be when agencies and the adoption industry place no great store on truthful, useful preparation?<br />Those of you who say you don't believe or go with, the primal wound, may find that your view is all very well for you, as it is academic: unless you are an adoptee yourself, know the scars well and have had to deal with them all your life as an adult adoptee, you will not understand the impact or have lived it and felt it.<br />Taking over the finding of parents and the collecting of information, 'just in case', is disempowering for adult adoptees...it is their right and perogative, is not yours.By all means at the time of adoption, collect all the information you can, photos and records and make them into a life story book which should be on hand along with other books of photos of the child's life.Why be so self conscious about it? All that angst is picked up by children particularly adoptees, who generally are more watchful than other children due to their early loss of attachment, the dreaded primal wound.Tell them early, tell them right, tell them a small ammount of information.<br />Your biggest job is dealing with their dislocation from their culture, language and helping them to deal with racism,disrecognition and adoptism.Particularly hard if not impossible, if you are not of the same culture, race or colour.<br />Some of you will find some of the more interesting parts of your comments over in a post on my blog.I tell you this out of courtesy; asking permission when a view is launched into cyberspace is generally not an option, the internet has no privacy.Hopefully your expressed views will be helpful to others in their learning in the minefield called adoption.Vonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17421069895155350144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-8096888740576767902010-05-15T13:39:54.413-07:002010-05-15T13:39:54.413-07:00"I admit it is a delicate dance, but I would ..."I admit it is a delicate dance, but I would rather err on the side of caution than err in giving a child life-changing information before they were ready to handle it."<br /><br />Ah, I think this is mainly where we part opinions. :P<br /><br />You think it's better to remain cautious, whereas I believe it's better to try rather than face that same adult twenty years later saying "Why didn't you show me?"<br /><br />I see now... thanks for bringing that realization to the front!Mei Linghttp://sisterheping.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-53813708714575220612010-05-15T13:38:21.982-07:002010-05-15T13:38:21.982-07:00"Should she have told you about the photos, e..."Should she have told you about the photos, etc. when you were five? Not without first an indication that you were interested, and a knowledge that you were ready. "<br /><br />I had no interest because I DIDN'T KNOW. How can I be ready for something I didn't know they had?<br /><br />Showing me photos might not have made a difference. But then again, it might have changed about how I perceived my "abandonment."<br /><br />IMO, I think she was too passive about it. She responded the way she did (during my childhood) because of my reactions. But my reactions were based on unfounded "truth." <br /><br />Because I didn't know she had other info.<br /><br />(I like your Tooth Fairy analogy, though. Lol.)<br /><br />"The only thing I would have added (and she probably did this) was a few "signpost" conversations along the way, starting at 5 or so, wherein it was communicated to you a willingness to help you explore the answers to any of your questions."<br /><br />I should also mention that she "waited" for me to ask questions since I showed very little interest in my own adoption. She didn't discourage me and she didn't ignore my questions. But she "waited" for my reactions. I know you might think this is the wisest method, but seriously?<br /><br />By that logic, if I had never asked about my adoption, it would have remained a "silent" subject until I was 20!<br /><br />If a child believes they were abandoned and is absolutely adamant that their parents did not care about them (without evidence), what do you do as a parent?<br /><br />Would you still *not* take the chance and show them proof that their family did care?<br /><br />Or would you take their reaction at face value and deem it a better subject for when they were older?<br /><br />IMO, in my case, if I could go back in time, I would have advised my parents to take route 1.Mei Linghttp://sisterheping.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-86011124934505114542010-05-15T13:25:09.458-07:002010-05-15T13:25:09.458-07:00Mei Ling:
I truly appreciate your comments, and s...Mei Ling:<br /><br />I truly appreciate your comments, and since you have walked this path personally, your thoughts and observations are tremendously important. <br /><br />I guess the follow-up question is based on my observation that sometimes "big" questions are asked by a child, not realizing that they are a big question. I remember when Meikina asked me if the Tooth Fairy was real (http://meikina-meigon-meilan.blogspot.com/2005/09/leaving-garden.html). Rather than simply saying, "No Santa is a myth," I told her that her question was a good one, but also a very important one. I told her that there would be questions in life that she really needed to think about before asking, because the answers to the questions might radically chance the way she looked at the world. I told her that there is nothing wrong with asking any questions (a constant theme in our house given my "question authority" philosophy), but that she should realize that some questions are not simply answered.<br /><br />She ended up asking the Tooth Fairy question anyway, and I realized that she was completely ready for the answer.<br /><br />I must say, I really have no problem with the way your mom handled your questions. The only thing I would have added (and she probably did this) was a few <br />"signpost" conversations along the way, starting at 5 or so, wherein it was communicated to you a willingness to help you explore the answers to any of your questions. Should she have told you about the photos, etc. when you were five? Not without first an indication that you were interested, and a knowledge that you were ready. I admit it is a delicate dance, but I would rather err on the side of caution than err in giving a child life-changing information before they were ready to handle it.<br /><br />BrianResearch-China.Orghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-71017584085175468822010-05-15T11:57:44.756-07:002010-05-15T11:57:44.756-07:00Okay, now I'm really curious:
What is wrong w...Okay, now I'm really curious:<br /><br />What is wrong with saying this:<br /><br />If you had a photo of the birth family, rather than simply saying, "I have a picture of your birth family, would you like to see it?"<br /><br />I understand that the following questions (in your response) may be to be absolutely, indefinitely, positively certain that the child wants to see a photo about their family because I think that would require a certain emotional level of maturity and intellect.<br /><br />Unless the photo has "dangerous" implications?<br /><br />[If I ever found a picture of them, would you want to see it]<br /><br />Hm, I can understand making sure they are ready for the implications of a photo - seeing people who may have a firmer link to their pasts. <br /><br />[If they say yes, you might say "If I ever found a picture of them, would you want to see it?" If they said no, I would leave it. If they said yes, I would ask a follow-up question. "Is knowing what your birth parents look like important to you?" ]<br /><br />Another question for you: what is the necessity of asking the follow-up question? If the first answer is no, then fine, leave it. However, if the first answer is yes, is that not good enough for the time being? <br /><br />If not, why not? (Again, no sarcasm here, I'm asking honestly)<br /><br />If you were to ask my 6-year-old self that question, it would imply you had already done some searching, or were considering a search to find out more info, but hadn't found anything yet. I would have assumed you *didn't* have a photo. But that's just me.<br /><br />I can't remember anything below age 5, but my parents have said that I was able to recognize racial differences by age 2. So that was probably around the time they told me about my original parents and adoption.<br /><br />If I recall correctly from my exchange with my adoptive mom at one time, shortly after high school, this is how it went:<br /><br />Me: Mom, do you think my bio mom would be proud of me now?<br /><br />Mom: I think she would be.<br /><br />Me: You... don't have any info about her by any chance, do you?<br /><br />Mom: Yep, we have more info in your adoption files. I can show you when we get home if you'd like.<br /><br />Me: Oh, do you? (This is what I meant by 'it's impossible to ask about stuff you don't know.')<br /><br />Mom: Yes, I also have pictures of your biological family.<br /><br />Me: Really?! Can I see those too?<br /><br />Mom: Sure. <br /><br />She was willing to let me see those photos, but ONLY when I asked for them. But it never would have occurred to me to ask about them as a child, because I simply didn't know.<br /><br />And I'm not sure if I would have been ready to see photos as a young child - they may have helped the misconceptions in my mind, but hey, I was young, so who knows? <br /><br />So I guess that yes, this leads back to what you were saying - that the adult needs to figure out if a child is ready. <br /><br />I still think it's a bit of a Catch-22, in that the child can't ask for something they don't know about. But in some cases, where the information is actually "harmful" or the child (say, age two) isn't ready to process what a "birth parent" is, then yes, I can see holding back things such as photos or maybe foster family.<br /><br />(P.S. I don't believe in the primal wound for all or most adoptees. I think an unconscious, "repressed" theory like that only applies to certain extents.)Mei Linghttp://sisterheping.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.com