tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post113420513361927184..comments2024-03-10T15:13:47.148-07:00Comments on Research-China.Org: The Tale of Two BirthmothersResearch-China.Orghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09137919637778021754noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1152725788576299522006-07-12T10:36:00.000-07:002006-07-12T10:36:00.000-07:00As we try to understand the motives of Chinese bir...As we try to understand the motives of Chinese birth mothers who abandoned baby girls in response to pressure from in-laws, we might want to keep in mind that we had an analogous phenomenon in the U.S. not long ago. Although the specifics are different, you might want to think about the many American girls who were forced *by their own parents* to give up their babies. (See Ann Fessler's recent book, "The Girls Who Went Away : The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade"). Fessler talks about pregnant girls who were literally sent away, to be hidden from family, friends, and neighbors until they gave birth and their babies were given over for adoption. In the American case, this pressure was driven by the stigma of unwed motherhood. For young people today, that stigma is probably as incomprehensible as Chinese boy preference is to the readers of this blog. But U.S. society changed, and Chinese society is changing too.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1138242136896368982006-01-25T18:22:00.000-08:002006-01-25T18:22:00.000-08:00Dear Brian and Lan.......you two are the best!! Y...Dear Brian and Lan.......you two are the best!! You have given to us the greatest gift that we could have imagined for our daughter. One day, if she would like to know, we can share with her the identity of her birth parents and their family. We have validated that our daughter is connected to the mother (Hai Yue)in your story via the positive (99.9998) results of the DNA testing. We have also been in contact with the birth family and they are absolutely thrilled to know that their daughther is with such a big family (three older brothers) and is well cared for. We will continue to communicate with the birth parents as much as they desire. We can not thank you enough for your invaluable assistance. See you in March at Lucy's.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1137540673372969762006-01-17T15:31:00.000-08:002006-01-17T15:31:00.000-08:00is the internet being used by chinese birthmothers...is the internet being used by chinese birthmothers and adoptive parents to try to match up their children? it seems like this would be the next logical progression, especially with the availability of DNA testing. will we see the day when our kids can find their birth parents in china?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1135805307308232922005-12-28T13:28:00.000-08:002005-12-28T13:28:00.000-08:00Dear Brian,Thank you for your great work and your ...Dear Brian,<BR/><BR/>Thank you for your great work and your wonderful blogs. I thought you would find the following interesting.<BR/><BR/>In a recent UK Times article entitled Chinese Facing Jail to Protect Unborn Girls (published 12/27/05), the following quote was presented. "Li Li, a doctor from the First People’s Hospital of Datong in the northern Shanxi province, told The Times: “It’s usually the grandparents who want to know the sex. The younger generation don’t care so much." <BR/><BR/>The article can be found at http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,25689-1959596,00.html. <BR/><BR/>Keep up the excellent work.<BR/><BR/>Lisa<BR/>San DiegoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134854710057621242005-12-17T13:25:00.000-08:002005-12-17T13:25:00.000-08:00Our children were not born in China, but they were...Our children were not born in China, but they were born in another Asian country and in each case, it is evident from the "records" that we have that the grandparents had a significant role in the placement of the child with the orphanage. In one file, it is clear that both sets of grandparents were involved in the decision.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134795202618300022005-12-16T20:53:00.000-08:002005-12-16T20:53:00.000-08:00Brian,Your articles are so well written...keep ask...Brian,<BR/>Your articles are so well written...keep asking those questions, as the answers may help us explain to our children their early history.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134743794706867802005-12-16T06:36:00.000-08:002005-12-16T06:36:00.000-08:00Thank you for this little piece of a very large pu...Thank you for this little piece of a very large puzzle! I, like all the others did not think about grandparents being the ones behind the pressure to abandoning their children! I would love to hear your answers to all the questions here also.<BR/>AutumndaysAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13441809988487585009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134601900070993162005-12-14T15:11:00.000-08:002005-12-14T15:11:00.000-08:00Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!I have a daughter ...Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!<BR/><BR/>I have a daughter from Jiangxi who just have turned one year. At her birthday I felt very sad when I thought about what her birth parents probably felt this day.<BR/><BR/>Right now I think a lot of her birth parents and their thoughts and feelings. The pain and grief of (probably) never be able to know what happened then to their sweet little girl.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134536352962980112005-12-13T20:59:00.000-08:002005-12-13T20:59:00.000-08:00If you get a chance, if you know, please let us kn...If you get a chance, if you know, please let us know the birthmother's response to their daughters living overseas and if they would want contact.<BR/><BR/>MimiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134500224168460912005-12-13T10:57:00.000-08:002005-12-13T10:57:00.000-08:00Thanks for posting this. I found your conclusions...Thanks for posting this. I found your conclusions challenging. For some time, my (admittedly impressionistic) hunch has been that a growing number of China's orphans are being abandoned largely because of the breakdown in rural extended family networks, due to the dislocations caused by China's pell-mell urbanization and industrialization. The cases you cite argue the opposite: that, in the countryside at least, family traditions remain sufficiently intact so as to have led these parents to give up their daughters. <BR/><BR/>That said, it seems to me we shouldn't expect, or want, a single explanation for so complex and multi-faceted a social problem as this, with its urban as well as rural, economic as well as cultural, dimensions. In any event, thanks much for this stimulating piece.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134464730438634762005-12-13T01:05:00.000-08:002005-12-13T01:05:00.000-08:00I appreciate the information you are publishing he...I appreciate the information you are publishing here, as it gives a differing perspective to that which we are normally exposed.<BR/>Both the entry about 'Two Birth Mothers' and the earlier Hunan trafficking issue have raised strange emotions - my daughter was brought home from the Hunan Province this past May. I do not now have the words necessary to convey the many thoughts swirling about inside my head.<BR/>(Enlightened and disturbed.)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13441809988487585009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134464563599504802005-12-13T01:02:00.000-08:002005-12-13T01:02:00.000-08:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13441809988487585009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134425489271166192005-12-12T14:11:00.000-08:002005-12-12T14:11:00.000-08:00Brian, Thank you so much for this! I am printing...Brian, Thank you so much for this! I am printing it out for my daughter when she gets older. I too knew in my heart that the birthmother of my Amazing Amelia must think of her daily.<BR/>Thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing the work you do. It's all part of the bigger picture of our lives.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134414652941198162005-12-12T11:10:00.000-08:002005-12-12T11:10:00.000-08:00Brian, Thank you so much for your blogs and the in...Brian, <BR/>Thank you so much for your blogs and the incredible insight they give us and our children. Although we'll most likely never know the truth about our daughter's birthparents reason for not keeping her now we have another aspect to explore. Up until reading your blog this idea of pressure from paternal parents was not shared as much as the thoughts that parents left their daughter's for economic reasons or traditional values. I already knew in my heart that my daughter's birthmother must think of her often. As a birthmother myself I can not imagine the grief of having abandoned my child no matter what the circumstances. I also can not imagine what it does to the relationship between the birthparents and paternal grandparents. <BR/>I too wonder what the birthparents would do if they could see a photo of or even meet their birth daughters that have been adopted. Did they ask about them?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134411783374591712005-12-12T10:23:00.000-08:002005-12-12T10:23:00.000-08:00This hurts my heart to read. My wife and I adopted...This hurts my heart to read. My wife and I adopted from Yifeng (near Nanchang) in July, definately a rural area. Reading this makes it all the more important to me to honor the birthparents of this child in our care. I grieve for their loss as much as I celebrate our good fortune in receiving into our lives this wonderful girl who is pure magic.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134409604666918692005-12-12T09:46:00.000-08:002005-12-12T09:46:00.000-08:00This gives me such a different perspective on my d...This gives me such a different perspective on my daughter's birth parents' reasons for abandoning her. I can't even really wrap my head around it yet. <BR/><BR/>This makes so much sense to me! Think about all the Chinese movies and literature out there--there's always the powerful influence of the husband's parents.<BR/><BR/>I wonder how the birth mothers feel about their daughters living their lives in foreign lands.<BR/><BR/>I'll just throw out my other questions, and if you have time, please share your thoughts: Do you think they hope that their daughters are adopted in-country rather than by Westerners? Is it common knowledge that only a few orphanages adopt out of country? Or is the impression that any baby sent to any orphanage has a chance to be adopted by eager foreigners? <BR/><BR/>Are they at all ashamed of themselves for abiding by their in-law's wishes, or is it such a given that while there is regret there is no shame?<BR/><BR/>What is their impression of Western families--do they think we're all tall, rich, and fat? And do they hate or resent us? That's the question that's always in the back of my mind.<BR/><BR/>I also wonder why so many of us adoptive parents never hear this part of the Chinese adoption story from our agencies. I had the impression that these were the main reasons so many girls are abandoned: restrictive government policies, extreme poverty, and the "social security" issue--the last of which is somewhat romantically explained as simply being part of 3000 years of culture/philosophy. I remember hearing only a passing reference to pressure from the inlaws. This pressure is just as much a part of Chinese culture as anything else we all try to understand and accept. <BR/><BR/>Perhaps the Chinese government doesn't want the true weight of this pressure exposed, because the implication is that powerless mothers and fathers are in fact <B>forced</B> to abandon female children that the parents would otherwise choose to raise--forced not by dire economic circumstances, or the necessity of social security, but <I>literally forced by other people</I>. <BR/><BR/>This is making my eyes sting. <BR/><BR/>Brian, your post supports two convictions I already held in my heart: my daughter's birth mother loved and wanted her, and, in general, in-laws are just awful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134381246313292532005-12-12T01:54:00.000-08:002005-12-12T01:54:00.000-08:00Thank you for this story, this is one to print out...Thank you for this story, this is one to print out and save, so I can use it for my future child to tell about his or her birthparents. <BR/><BR/>Recently I've talked with and listened to some Dutch mothers who had to give up their child, back in the 60's. All of them thought of their children every day and carried their experience as a daily burden, as a pain in their hearts. For many, many years. Now you confirmed that the same feelings are present with Chinese birthmothers. I needed that confirmation. It will always be a guess though, since every person has his own unique story, but still, it gives me some comfort knowing that feelings like these are quite common among birthmothers all over the world...<BR/><BR/>Thanks for your research, you are doing a very valuable thing!!<BR/><BR/>By the way, reading this article, I have the idea, that in future generations, the pressure of the grandparents will become a lesser issue, I wonder what kind of effect this will have for the coming years...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13441809988487585009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134357214611594742005-12-11T19:13:00.000-08:002005-12-11T19:13:00.000-08:00Brian,Thanks for blogging this most valuable stuff...Brian,<BR/><BR/>Thanks for blogging this most valuable stuff! Tale of Two Birthmothers is the first of your blog entries I've had a chance to read. It's a must for me now to go back and read the blog from the beginning.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134349386739015992005-12-11T17:03:00.000-08:002005-12-11T17:03:00.000-08:00Thank you, thank you, thank you. As the mother to...Thank you, thank you, thank you. As the mother to 2 wonderful girls from China, I knew in my heart that their birth mothers missed them and thought of them often. I never, ever believed the people who said, "You can't know that for certain." But I do know it, because my kids are so wonderful...they had to come from wonderful, generous and kind birth families...regardless of why they felt they had to leave their daughters. With this post, my intuition is confirmed. <BR/><BR/>I, too, would like to know the women's reaction to seeing their daughter's pictures and if they would like contact.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13441809988487585009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134335600575279082005-12-11T13:13:00.000-08:002005-12-11T13:13:00.000-08:00BrianThank you for your blogs. As a mum to 2 amazi...Brian<BR/>Thank you for your blogs. As a mum to 2 amazing girls born in China you give me valuable insight - this last blog will probably be very valuable when my girls grow older.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134314317732415912005-12-11T07:18:00.000-08:002005-12-11T07:18:00.000-08:00I also would like to know if the birth mothers wis...I also would like to know if the birth mothers wished they had contact with the children they gave up. And, upon hearing this news of finding the birth parents, did the children (specially the 9 year old), wish to have any contact with them?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134274907515080162005-12-10T20:21:00.000-08:002005-12-10T20:21:00.000-08:00Brian,What an amazing opportunity to speak with th...Brian,<BR/><BR/>What an amazing opportunity to speak with these two birth mothers. Getting a glimpse of their world is both sad and intriging. How painfully sad that not a day goes by that they don't think of the daughter they abandon. How tragic that if faced with the identical circumstances they would need to do the same thing. How do you change a cultural mindset after thousands of years?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134267299504998392005-12-10T18:14:00.000-08:002005-12-10T18:14:00.000-08:00DO any of the birth maothers WANT to be in contact...DO any of the birth maothers WANT to be in contact with the adoptive families?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13441809988487585009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15636692.post-1134261939977157022005-12-10T16:45:00.000-08:002005-12-10T16:45:00.000-08:00Brian, love your blogs! Just curious what you used...Brian, love your blogs! Just curious what you used the DNA kits for?<BR/><BR/>Also, were you able to show pictures of the daughters to their birth mothers, and if so, what was their reaction?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com